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My sister has many of the same struggles as I, namely in that we have a tendency to be short dumpy white girls who love to eat. This works quite powerfully against our desires to be the kind of sexy young(ish) women that men desire and all the women look on full of envy. The quest to become such a woman is full of many pitfalls and near constant distractions. Our very selves are distractions. Our desires are divided, with one part of our person lusting for size four jeans and vibrant energy, telling us that we should never eat pizza again, once we finish this slice. Meanwhile the person we carry about with us through work frustrations, romantic squabbles, and the drudgery of lower middle class life craves solace from our cares. We have few places to look to for a quick sense of pleasure in our lives, and the refrigerator is often the closest. Not only does sitting down with a container of ice cream bring delight to our physical selves, but the knowledge that we are doing something selfish and naughty satisfies our desire to defy the mediocre lives that we have been given. By rebelling against moderation we momentarily feel that we are the ones in power, and that it is within out grasp to bring joy to ourselves. I often even revel in the knowledge that such sins will contribute to my inability to fulfill society's ideal of beauty.
Of course all such sense of triumph vanishes in the morning as we struggle to zip up our pants, which becomes one more frustration tacked on to all the others, increasing instead our need to feel that the world is doing something for us in return. Biting into a warm cookie and sipping cold milk is as close as many of us come to being fed grapes while a servant boy fans us on our divan.
In an effort to squelsh the quick fix cookie eating parts of ourselves, my sister and I have entered into a casual competition. We have both wanted to loose weight before our nephew's upcoming high school graduation, but neither of us have made any headway. As we are only two years apart we have always experienced a healthy amount of rivalry, so I suggested we make a contest out of loosing weight. Even when we are tempted to give up on fitting into society's mold, we will still have the motivation of not wanting to be out done by our sibling.
Today I did not get the brownie that I was craving. Instead I took a beautiful two and a half mile run shortly before sunset, and I soaked in the beauty of fluffy clouds and urban decay. I still want the brownie, but I feel happy with myself. And that is a wonderful reward.
P.S. I went to the gym on Monday.