47

It's not been an easy week for my self esteem. I'm not very consistent with my dieting, but I have made many changes to my eating routine over the last year. I no longer graze all day, and I consume much less sugar. I've been working lately on not eating as much empty carbs as well. It use to be a regular event to eat fried chicken sandwiches on giant buns with a side of fries dipped in mayonnaise (really) with a coke. I still eat more sweets than I should, and every now and then I put ranch on my salad. However I have drastically reduced my fat and calorie intake. Not to mention I've been working out consistently, something I haven't done since I stopped doing ballet in my early twenties.
But somehow my pants still don't want to button, and I've gained back two pounds.
I know I can loose weight, I've done it so many times. But it was always with quick fixes and drastic diets. I thought that by making smarter choices every day I would see results eventually, but the months have gone by while the scale barely wavers. I am glad I am stronger, and I enjoy feeling fit. But what is the point of turning down food I enjoy if I am still going to be fat? I am tired of seeing the same belly in the mirror. I don't know how to loose weight without going on severe diets (low carb worked the fastest for me. Well, not eating at all worked even better, but led to blackouts).
Today after a hike up the firetrail and a walk home I fell prey to ice cream. After eating that I was still hungry, and instead of a suitable meal like salad with a hard boiled egg I ate a brownie. All this after having a lemon bar prior to the hike. The sugar and fat have been oozing through my blood, weighing down my limbs and making my spirit drag on my dusty floor.
I don't know how to discipline myself with a sustainable diet. I have tried counting calories a number of times, but I always grow lazy. When I try eliminating one negative food habit, I overload on the others. I'm not sure what I will do, but I feel like I need to find a plan that I can manage. My goals are often too loftly, and what may sound reasonable Sunday night proves to be too difficult Monday morning.
I can look back and see that I have made progress with running, and this gives me faith that I can control this part of myself as well. I can train my legs to carry this dumpy body for 13.1 miles, which makes me hope I can train my nagging belly to be content with only that which it needs.
I hope